As the end of October draws near, children and adults alike cautiously await the evening of the 31st. Halloween is an opportunity for individuals to don fun attire and participate in festivities with one another. As we grow older, it serves as a necessary connection to our childhood.

But more importantly, Halloween is about peddling yummy treats to the youth of America. The conflict that every trick-or-treater faces is how to evaluate a successful evening of door-to-door gathering.

A definitive ranking of candy, to serve as the rubric for future treaters and trickers alike, is the only appropriate way to usher in this spooky season. For this ranking, we will proceed by utilizing the 3 C’s of Halloween to make some sense of this mastication madness. 

The Chocolates

Chocolate candies are a mainstay of the Halloween season. From Milky Ways to Almond Joy’s, chocolates are abundant in every candy bowl; yet not all chocolates are made the same.

For starters, there’s the Kit Kat. A delightfully crispy treat that provides structural stability with each bar. Biting into a Kit Kat fills you with a certain joy that is hard to derive from any other source. Some argue that Twix is a close competitor in this race, but the nuance in that opinion is incredibly difficult to understand.

The addition of caramel to a freestanding tasty treat, something to which I am not opposed, is, on its own, an ingenious creation. But where Twix falls short is in its morals; everyone is brought together under the guise of Halloween festivities, but Twix disagrees.

The Left Twix vs. Right Twix discourse is absolutely disparaging to the good image of the Twix.

Even absent is the fact that there is likely no difference between the two “sides,” the benefits and failures of a two-party system are something that I don’t even want to start considering when biting into a chocolate bar.

Something that will light up an evening, and hopefully clear your mind of the dangerous Twix propaganda, is the bite-sized fun of the M&M. M&M’s are colorful, relatively small, and very tasty. Truly a classic candy that never fails to satisfy your sweet tooth. 

Sticking with the classics, we’ll jump to the helper of hanger, the prince of peanuts and the top-notch of nougat, the Snickers bar.

All in all, the Snickers bar is a quick treat, that, for me, scratches the same itch as an Almond Joy–without the awful almond. I feel like this is a staple of a Halloween candy expedition, but also one that often goes under the radar, as it is often stolen by older relatives. Fits very comfortably in the middle of the pack.

To close out the chocolate category, we will engage in a touch of controversy.

The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is one of the most overrated snacks out there.

The individual wrapping creates unnecessary waste and just creates a confusing aesthetic. The granular peanut butter doesn’t inspire any sort of positive emotions; the chocolate is strangely thick on the top and flimsy on the sides. Although I cannot discourage the consumption of candy, I will always raise an eyebrow at those who willingly partake in Reese’s.

The Chewies

Continuing with the three C’s of Halloween Candy, we have the chewy candies.

These are a little bit sweeter and typically delve into some fruitier flavors, which makes them more popular with a younger audience. It is the same level of calories, but for those who may not be equipped with the caliber of palate needed to properly enjoy chocolates.

Arguably, the favorite in this category is the ever-popular Sour Patch Kids.

These sour and sweet candies play malicious tricks on the taste buds but always leave you with a smile on your face. With a variety of flavors and fun little shapes (who doesn’t love eating little men?), you can always have a fun time with these little candies. 

Despite the jokes on the outside of the package, Laffy Taffy doesn’t inspire the same fun that you could find in a package of Sour Patch Kids. The jokes are always subpar, and the texture of the taffy forms a glue-like connection with the wrapping, making it impossible to open.

The only saving grace for these middle-of-the-road treats is one singular flavor, which is, of course, banana. The banana flavoring is the only variety that doesn’t taste like sweetened plastic, and it brings in a mild level of enjoyment.

Keeping with strange consistencies, Dots are next.

Dots are very much a candy that you chew on for ages; they never lose their flavor and inevitably get caught in your dentures. Despite feeling like they come from the heart of a retirement home, Dots offer a surprisingly fun and fruity flavor profile that draws audiences in and keeps them coming back.

If someone likes Dots, it will be hard to shake them from that point of view.

Closing out the chewy category is one of my favorites, the Swedish Fish. I couldn’t tell you what flavor Swedish Fish are, or if they even come from Europe, but they still have a special place in my heart. They swim their way into your mouth and fill you with a joy that’s hard to gain from any other candy. They surpass Dots in my opinion because of their marginally better texture and ease to consume.

Candy Corn

The final C of Halloween is Candy Corn. A very polarizing discussion among inhabitants of the United States revolves around this tri-colored treat. Is the texture a little strange? Sure. Is the flavor very hard to describe? Also yes. But do they stand for everything that this season represents? Absolutely. Nothing comes to my mind quicker than candy corn when evaluating not just this holiday, but the beginning of fall in its entirety.

This season represents a childlike joy and an urge for a trip to the dentist. Something about how we can enjoy sweets into adulthood and maintain truly devout opinions on the matter is why candy is truly so important.

Designs contributed by Milo Bitters