A satirical take on the battle for Christmas

Merry Christmas, no exceptions


By Nikki Aqui, Managing Editor

Quite frankly, I am tired of the way liberal media and companies have ruined my Christmas with their “freedom of religion and speech” mumbo jumbo. Specifically, Starbucks.

Starbucks rolled out a new holiday cup that’s decidedly more subdued than years past: a rather plain, red ombre design. This doesn’t sit well with me. Starbucks is the Grinch who stole Christmas for all coffee drinkers, and we know that all coffee drinkers are devoted to the holiday and preserving the reason for the season.

They should have said that the red cup was to symbol the blood of our Lord and turned Starbucks into a bar that only serves wine for the season.

Another alt-left conspiracy is the design from last year. The “holiday-esque” design featured a pair of holding hands. Though the gender of said hands cannot be seen on the cup, it is more than clear this was two gay men. Even Buzzfeed news has confirmed this.

It is an abomination that while getting my coffee, I have to be uncomfortable because of my beliefs. After all,  it’s impossible to think of any other religion or group of people who face more discrimination in America than me.

I thought Starbucks was on the right track after it had two black men arrested for using the bathroom. Now, I find myself taken aback and disgusted at their discriminatory, intentionally plain cups that lead to customer interpretation, that have been advertised and sold for so many years. Things like this are what put the state of our Confeder — I mean Union — a million steps back.

Thankfully, our voice of reason, President Donald Trump, previously weighed in on the controversy, telling supporters at a rally that the Starbucks cups were evidence of the “war on Christmas.” He is right! Walking into my nearby Starbucks is essentially like following Gen. Lee into Gettysburg — a brave but futile struggle.

Trump has been oddly quiet about the issue this year. I can’t IMAGINE anything else that might be keeping him busy right now.

The only way to resolve this situation and make everyone happy is to paint the entire nativity scene on each cup — complete with the Little Drummer Boy. The birth of Jesus should not to be disrespected by coffee.